confused...

about how I should really feel. See, for those of you who don't know, I have had to let go of some people in my life to relieve a lot of stress and eliminate some reoccurring depression. One of those people was my dad, step dad really. I miss him a lot sometimes, but every time I'd talk with him I would be depressed for days on end.

Well, I received a message that my niece had called. She left word that her dad, my oldest step brother had passed away two weeks ago. She said they had been calling but didn't leave a message. Why not leave the freakin' message?! That kinda ticked me off. Anyway, my brother had his share of problems and rounds of depression. His life was really messed up; some was of his own doing while some was not including abduction of said niece when she was only 16. I thank God almost everyday that she was found alive and seems to be recovering from it all fairly well.

Back to my point of confusion. I don't really know how to feel. I don't know what happened. How he died. Did he kill himself. Did he accidentily overdose on his prescription meds? Did someone kill him? Did he die of natural causes?

Then there is the whole thing with my dad. I haven't spoken with him in more than a year now. He wasn't there for me when I needed him the most. Now both of his biological sons are gone while he is living on borrowed time himself. Should I call him and send my condolences knowingly opening up a chain reaction of depression, guilt, remorse, etc. for myself or should I just leave it all alone, deal with it and move on?

Honestly, I'll feel regret either way. The question is which way do I go?

(Sorry, this is just what is on my mind today.)